Friday, 7 July 2017

Snake in the Grass

Voltaire said, ‘If god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him.’ He said a lot of things that people quote all the time today; free speech, civil liberties, the tyranny of the unaccountable and so on. But this particular truism relates to the apparent needs of humans to look up to a higher power; the more intangible, the more untouchable the more, well, divine, the better. The Labour Party is rediscovering its religious fervour:

In the beginning was the word and the word was Corbyn. And lo, Jeremy looked upon his work and he saw that it was good and thus began the lord to dictate to his minions upon Earth the new manifesto creed. As his holy voice boomed down from the heavens, the scribe dutifully reproduced it verbatim; by this do we know that his gospel is true, for what proof dost thou need when the word is divine? Trust, have faith, that this is the path to goodness and everlasting light.

The creed:
That the illegal shall be made legal and that he who doth behead a man shall stand as high as he doth not, for the sin of inequality is met with the hardest of stares.
Bring me thy misfits, thy deformed and twisted souls that we may drink from their bitter bile and taste the sweet fluids of self-loathing; for all that is white is unpure and all that is brown shall be rewarded in heaven. Or at least found a good safe seat.
That thine living be bountiful thou must bring forth ever more voters; for only by increasing the population twelve-fold canst thou avert the catastrophe of overcrowding and strain on public services.
That thou shalt have no other god save me... and the NHS.

On hearing the word the evil economic Philistines demanded to know more:
But, oh Jeremy, they asked wherewith shall come all the money for thy good works? To which the almighty Corbyn replied that as you seek, so should you find.
Puzzled, they asked again, from whence would come the money foretold in the prophecies that his children should prosper and grow fat? Patience, the lord entreated, the McDonnell of heaven shall maketh a plan.

And the Lord God all-Corbyn sent forth into the wilderness the angel John who endured for forty days and forty nights the deprivation of humankind, for to better understand their desires. And upon his return to heaven he announced that he had a fully-costed plan to save the world. This plan would bring riches on earth, build hospitals and schools and banish forever the inequity of poverty. All that the flock need do is have faith in the Lord.

Jeremy's Corbyn soldiers...

And Jeremy returned to the stump to give forth the good news. And he spake to the economists and the naysayers and the brutal Tory serpents who crawled on the ground and whispered poisons. Begone, he sayeth, thou art banished and forever more humankind shall dwell in heaven upon earth. Manna, in all its forms, shall be plentiful. But one doubting Thomas, one snake in the grass demanded to know more. “From whence shall come the money?” he shouted, at which the heavenly host fixed him with a beady eye and replied, “Hast thou never heard of PrayPal?”


  1. The greatest miracle of Jezallah was how the revered saint Flabbott, bedevilled by lack of numerical skills and unable to comprehend her job, fell by the wayside struck down by illness as the election of Popes loomed. But no, she was not cast out for soon she rose from her sickbed, uplifted by the turning of two loafers and five fishy seats into a near-miraculous gathering of votes. Thus recovered, the Larger-than-healthy Shadow could take her seat alongside the virtuous Jezza again (though she did not attend the casting out of capitalist devils at Glastonbury-on-Red-sea.)

  2. ".....for the sin of inequality is met with the hardest of stares"

    Got him absolutely.