Brislam

While everybody else is trying to work out what the Labour party stance is on... well, on anything, really, I happened upon another story which quickly slipped from the headlines yesterday. Apparently, anti-muslim actions are to be recorded as a separate category of hate crime. The PM’s office has stated in an email “I want British muslims to know we will back the stand against those who spread hate and to counter the narrative which says muslims do not feel British.”

Since Orwell popularised the notion of thoughtcrime and the thinkpol we have been steadily working away at its variants; moulding it, giving it strength and adding texture and nuance until finally we have the crime that can barely define itself. A real crime already carries penalties but for a crime to be labelled a hate crime there need be no physical attack, no death threats, nor rape, nor intimidation. Nope, a hate crime needs only to be perceived as such and it is made real – thought crime by another name. And it is even possible to be guilty of hate crime without any intent.

Now, the new category of islamophobia (the fear of being beheaded, crucified or just blown to bits) is like the joker in the euchre pack – islamohatecrime counts double in the top trumps of offence seeking. But there is a reason muslims do not feel British and that reason is islam itself, being incompatible in every way with an advanced, civilised and on the whole forward thinking people. Cameron has said we need to reach out and learn to understand islam, so I thought I might help in this regard.

I give you the Five Pillars of Brislam:

Shahadah: sincerely reciting the muslim profession of faith, that each week the giro will come and rent shall be paid by the good wage slaves of Christendom – pieces be upon them. In this way islam already imposes submission on a host unaware it is harbouring an efficient and multiplying parasite.

Salat: performing ritual prayers in the proper way five times each day and in so doing rendering the faithful effectively unemployable, better so to do the lord’s work. And if you can also stop the traffic of the kaffir at the same time then all to the good of allah.

Zakat: paying an alms (or charity) tax to benefit the poor and the needy... of the islamic community, otherwise known as the ‘cousins’, inbred and without passports, but essential to the running of the restaurants. Or else to help fund the jihadis, noble crusaders against the scourge of progress, whose jobseeker’s allowance alone is insufficient to purchase RPGs and the ingredients for IEDs.

Sawm: fasting during the month of Ramadan, because it helps recruit the sympathies of the useful idiots who will point and say ‘look, what godly, abstemious people’. Meanwhile the booze and fags continue to be consumed as and when we wish... because islam’s rules only really apply when used against non-muslims.

Hajj: pilgrimage to Mecca. Well, everybody needs a holiday, don’t they? And besides it’s a great place to network and exchange new ideas for the overthrow of western nations and pave the way for the coming caliphate.

Shakallakah-boom; this is the entirely fictional sixth pillar... and one that is not intended to remain upright for too long. You’ll know it when you hear it.

Treason and plot?

But, but, but, splutter those who value the establishment narrative over the truth of many people’s experience, islam is the religion of peace! Meanwhile, over in France and in the name of that same religion, a French schoolboy mounts his own random jihad... Don’t you just hate that?