The Death of Honour

Oh, I know what you're going to say, it died a long time ago and I think you are probably quite correct but here’s the thing; its rotting corpse is really starting to stink up the place. You would think by now they’d have at least given it a decent burial but sadly no, it is not to be.

Of course, when the Vikings came over at the end of the first millennium it was not with their own benefit or honour in mind. Oh no. They had seen that we were lagging behind in the essential rape and pillage industries and we needing a damn good dose of looting, slaughtering, burning and general ransacking to put us back on the straight and narrow. Thankfully, their helpful intervention came at just the right time to inject a bit of important stoicism to the burgeoning British character.

Similarly by the time we got to the fourteenth century it was clear that we had lapsed once more and our moral character was in grave danger as a result of a sloppy assumption that we would lead long and happy, healthy lives. Luckily on that occasion it was from Asia that our salvation came and thanks to the importation of sufficient oriental rat fleas, the Black Death put paid to our weaknesses in a trice, cut a swathe through our populations and made us buck our ideas up a bit.

Oh yes, Britain simply would not exist in our present form were it not for immigration. It is only thanks to immigration that we have a nation at all; if not for invading hordes of Angles, Saxons and ‘Juts’ according to Benjamin Obadiah Iqbal Zephaniah, who travelled to this land from his native Birmingham over half a century ago, why we would have no nation to speak of. God bless you, Benjamin, for reminding us ‘juts’ how pivotal to our isolated island history rampant immigration has been. Thank god we ‘aksed’ you over.

He who controls the present, they say, controls the past. But in the Internet age anybody with access to a computer can have a stab and Labour have been busy stabbing away at history in front of our very eyes. Everywhere you look and on every subject you will find that Labour now have all the answers that were cruelly withheld from them in power. Watch any news programme or follow any political discourse in any newspapers, online or in the airwaves and you will hear and see it for yourself.

On welfare, immigration, education, defence, foreign policy, the NHS, HS2 and even on the economy Labour can deliver. As you listen to the mellifluous tones of confident young men and women, delivering their messianic messages you can only marvel at what trickery was deployed at the last election to deny them their rightful place in power. Why, even as we speak, the monstrosity that is the whole Paul Flowers, rent-boy, corruption, mendacity, rent-boy, coke, rent-boy, incompetence debacle is slowly being crafted to join history as a failing of the Conservative administration…

As was the borrowing, the overspending, the disaster of multiculturalism, the house price crash and and the inflation of the welfare state to exceed the tax take… the dirty, rotten Tory bastards. And only now can we see the truth of how it was that the wicked Conservatives, in an act of truly audacious sabotage, attempted to bring down the Labour Party by enlisting the nasty Tory bully boys of Unite to rig the vote and employ Aardman Animations to elect The Wrong Miliband. The utter shits.

A word of warning now. If you are ‘A Left’, as a result of which you will have no functioning irony glands, it must be explained that the preceding 600 words have all been deliberate lies. Don’t worry; they are the kind of lovely, caring lies that the Labour Party can be proud to uphold. I tell you this only so that one day when you start to speak and somebody slaps you so hard across the mouth that it nearly breaks your festering, lying jaw, you shouldn't take it as an act of aggression alone; it is merely the sound of reality being vigorously reinstated.